Benefits of Keeping a Journal – Part 2: My New Year’s Review

In my blog last week I discussed journaling and how it has helped me adjust my point of view about frustrations in relationships. But that’s only one of the many benefits I’ve found in keeping a journal.

Every year as the old year ends and the new one begins, I read over the journal entries I made during the previous 12 months and save only the entries that seem significant. These include experiences that were especially joyful and those that were painful, and all the new lessons and insights that came to me during the year.

2013 had a lot for me. Reviewing the old year gives me the ability to see in hindsight how my own actions sometimes created unnecessary pain for me, and gives me the chance to be mindful of my actions in order to prevent me from repeating the same mistakes in the future.

Every time I have an insight I record it in my journal, and rereading those insights at the end of the year highlights them for me. I’ve made it a practice to write down the important lessons I learned and place them in a file I call my “Wisdom Pages.” When I find I’m in a difficult or confusing situation, I refer to my Wisdom Pages and ALWAYS find the answers to help me deal with the situation in a mindful, productive way.

2013’s biggest lessons for me had to do with parenting my adult children. I got to see all over again how my desire for them to love me can make me act in ways that deny who I am and go against my truth just to get that love. The lesson I learned once more is that I shouldn’t trade my integrity for their love. If one of them requests something of me and I want to say “No,” no matter how much I want them to love me I need to say “No.” This is true in all relationships, of course; we shouldn’t sacrifice our integrity to make people like us or love us.

Reading my journal also highlighted to me that some old patterns never disappear. For example, I’ve known for years that when I’m angry, I have a problem feeling and expressing that anger. My old default programming from childhood—which remains with me even after 50-plus years—is the belief that anger is “wrong” or “bad.” I can still, unconsciously and against my goals, mask my own feelings to myself when someone treats me badly. Instead of feeling my anger about it, when I mask my anger to myself I feel as if I deserve to be treated badly. It’s all just old programming, coming out of my false childhood belief that I’m unworthy and still seeing myself as very flawed. In fact, if I do feel angry, I tend to feel that I’m flawed to have felt angry!

This past year, I asked my therapist, Robin L. Kay, Ph.D., to define neurosis, and her description was, “Neurosis is when your unconscious is running you and you’re unaware of it. You’re clueless about how it is affecting you and that you are at its effect.” Today I focus in a mindful way on my anger, recognizing that it’s okay to be angry, which, for me, is Kryptonite to my neurosis and immediately stops my machinery from running me.

Part of my past patterns has been that when I hear someone “shame and blame” me, I’ve tended to heap even more blame on myself, even if what they’re blaming me for is actually just a manipulation to deflect blame from themselves for something they’ve done. I have a daily reminder on my digital calendar (kind of like a note on the refrigerator door) to remind myself: “Stop working to assure yourself that you are okay, lovable, special; allow yourself to be angry when you’re angry; your anger is legitimate, alive, and needs to be expressed. When you stop hiding from it, you will heal. Until you touch/hold these feelings, you’re stuck in shame.”

In this new year, I’ve committed to stop apologizing unnecessarily and to stop deprecating and minimizing myself. I am committed to keeping my focus on being proud of myself. It’s an exciting year!

Next week, I’ll share with you other valuable lessons I’ve learned from reviewing my journal.